(This was originally written April 18, 2010)

“Since adolescence I have loved to sit in churches, temples, mosques, synagogues, it really doesn’t matter. Sacred space is sacred space. I don’t see any value in separating eroticism and spirituality. I see them as deeply allied. The process of S&M spirituality, of going into role as into prayer space and maintaining that for days, weeks even, makes me serene and beneficent.” James W., Different Loving

For as long as I can remember, I have been a spiritual person. Even with a strict Catholic upbringing, I often questioned the vastness of God, and how could someone or something so big be confined to one “True” religion. In my teens, I would go on retreats and it was not during the Mass or Adoration that I felt true closeness to the spiritual world. It was I had alone time, and walked out into the middle of the forest and sat on a boulder that I felt most connected to the energies and spirits around me. I would close my eyes and listen to the breeze rustling through the tree branches or the birds sing. This is where I found my center. I was grounded and flying all at the same time. This was my sacred space.

Over the years, when I have submitted to someone- truly submitted and not just bottomed, I have felt an inner calm and deep seated connection with the person I am with. This is truer than when I have engaged in sexual activities outside of submission. I think for a long time, I was made to believe sexuality and eroticism was something dirty, and something that I should be ashamed of. I don’t think it was totally until the Southwest Leather Conference in January that I fully grasped how interconnected spirituality and eroticism truly is. As I mentioned, I knew I felt a connection, but when I was at SWLC, I learned and felt so much more.

The first thing I found and felt was the sense of community that seemed to have been void from my life far too long. It was amazing to me, my previous community had been the Church. And so long I was the perfect girl they thought I should be, I was accepted and welcomed in. The moment I got pregnant at the age of 19, not only did people LITERALLY turn their back on me, but they turned their backs on my family as well. So much for not judging one another. I realized that I never belonged to that community. I may have been a member, but that membership was purely conditional on whether my behavior followed in sync with the Church’s dogmatic rules. Something that I have learned about the BDSM community is how they are overall more accepting and non-judgmental than most other groups I know of. I’m not saying everyone is non-judgmental, because in every group there are outliers. It has just been my experience that most people adopt the philosophy, “It may not be my kink, but it is fine for your kink.”

Another concept that was big in my parish was the idea of Stewardship. The Church required you to give of your time, talent, and treasure to maintain membership. And of course- this had to be done at the Church only. Truth is, it as been in the BDSM community that I have seen this flourish and in its purest form. It always seemed people gave to the Church to get something out of it, like discounts on school tuition or retreats. In the BDSM community, I have seen people give so much time into education because it is important to them rather than, what can I get from it. They have also put so much time into fundraisers for the betterment of the community. I have seen the community pull together to raise money for families in need, collect shoes for earthquake victims in Haiti, or participate in the Christmas Angel Program. To me, it is a far more beautiful thing to see a community reach out to people outside the community to help, rather than to keep everything within the community for itself.

Finally, there is the spiritual component of BDSM. This to me is being able to feel the energy of all bodies in a room feed from each other and give to each other. It is the tribal connectedness felt when bodies and souls dance together to the rhythmic drums playing. It is being open so open you evoke the spirit or even channel the spirit. This has been described as “Woo”. To me, the “Woo” is one of the most beautiful aspects of BDSM. The fact there is the misnomer of BDSM being dark, wrong, violent, etc, but in reality, it is light, hope, passion, surrender, joy, peace, serenity…

For me- this is the draw- this is spirituality within BDSM.