I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly