(This was originally written April 16, 2010)

“The things that seem beautiful, inspiring, and life-affirming to me seem ugly, hateful, and ludicrous to most other people. This may be the most painful part of being a sadomasochist: this experience of radical difference, separation at the root perception. Our culture insists on sexual uniformity and does not acknowledge any neutral differences- only crimes, sins, diseases, and mistakes.” – Pat Calfia, 1988

As I read through Different Loving today, this quote struck me to the core. The last month has been quite the emotional rollercoaster. It was a month ago, I made a decision that would forever change my path- I came out to my family. This was not a decision I took lightly- in fact it was a choice that took 10 years of courage being built to be able to do. The immediate ramifications of coming out hurt me deeply, and at first I wasn’t sure how strong I could continue to be; but as I regrouped and let emotions settle, I found my base and my strength again.

When I say I “came out”, I not only came out as being bisexual, but I also came out about my BDSM. I suppose a little history might be needed to understand why a 28 year old would feel any need whatsoever to discuss these things with her parents. My family has always been very close and very open. It is the type of home where doors aren’t allowed to be locked, we still sit together for family dinners, and it is expected that you say where you are going, whom you will be with, and what time you are returning. I might also mention that I was brought up in a very Catholic household- went to Catholic school most of my life, and was very active in the Church until I was 18. At 28, I am still living at home because of finances. I am taking steps to better my life- but that is different story all together.

I knew I was kinky before I was 18, but it wasn’t till after I turned 18 that I really started to pursue BDSM. My second boyfriend was a Dominant who was into control and restraint. My parents at that time never knew of the BDSM aspect to that relationship because they were so furious over the 16 year age difference. Soon, I went away to college. I dabbled here and there for a few months with my girlfriend at the time, and after my break up, I served a “Master” that left me running away vowing “Never again.” I settled into a vanilla relationship that just felt empty on many levels. Then as I entered my second semester in college, I got involved with someone who was totally wrong for me. We were in fact vanilla. As time progressed, his need to control me became evident. When I started to pull away, the abuse started. Honestly, I feel this is one of the biggest concerns my parents most likely have- is them remembering bruises that were received non-consensually and not being able to differentiate the marks I have now that were received out of love, passion, and trust.

After that horrible ordeal ended, it took many years for me to even begin trusting others again. Most relationships (if you can even call them that) ended as quickly as they began. I suppose it was about the age of 23, I braved another D/s relationship which only lasted a year. He and I did continue to see each other after that, but I had convinced myself that there was something wrong about BDSM, and that it was a weak foundation to build a lasting relationship on, and I didn’t want that part of our lives. Looking back, I think it was more because in a relationship, I tend to lean towards being submissive, and even though he claimed to be Dominant, I truly was the Dominant in that relationship, and it was something that I struggled against. Plus, I think I still lacked trust because I always felt like I was being hidden or he was hiding something from me. And without complete trust, BDSM is just not smart or safe.

About a year ago, I started the whole online D/s relationship again, which led me to finally having the courage to join the local community back in November. Before, I never participated in community, so when things got difficult or confusing, I didn’t have anyone to fall back onto for support to say, “No, this is okay. You are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.” Once I realized this, I’ve grown so much and no longer afraid to walk down the path I was always meant to walk down. You receive great strength when you finally are able to walk confidently as the person you are, rather than trying to hide yourself so that you can conform to the puritanical societal “norms”.

Now, just as wonderful as it is reaching a point that you are no longer hiding yourself, it generally means, you can’t hide yourself. As I have become more involved in the community and building a relationship with my Dominant, this has become more evident. Of course, I’m not open about my sexuality at work, but even if I was Ms. Nilla Squarepants, I would not be talking about my sexual activities at work. Dealing with my family has been an entirely different issue. Granted, as open as my parents have been with me about there sexual activities, I’ve never been one to want to share that openly with them. Call me crazy, but talking sex with my parents just doesn’t seem like a fun time, especially since I was “supposed to wait till marriage”. The most I might divulge is how great a kiss was or something like that. And why would I desire to talk sex, the one time I got caught masturbating, you would have seriously thought I murdered someone with as pissed as my mother was. Now this was for masturbating- I was “Dirty and disgusting, not worthy to be looked at.” So, you can probably see why I was not so keen on coming out to my parents about my BDSM.

When it came to nights I was going out, since I am a terrible liar, I would merely tap dance around where I was truly going. Just give them enough information that would quench their thirst. Basically, I was going out with friends, would be at a place about these crossroads, and it would be after 2 when I got home. Then I made a big mistake one weekend when I was at a workshop and party, I left my phone in my car. My parents called my friend, realized I wasn’t exactly where I said I was going to be. I take full responsibility for not handling that situation right. This is what pushed me into a bit of a forced coming out. I hate lying and it had been tearing my up on the inside that I was not being honest with those who I care about and love, but at the same time, I was so fearful of their reactions, I felt trapped. My choice was to continue holding back the truth to keep pseudo-peace or be totally forthright, and deal with whatever consequences may occur.

I finally approached my parents and said, “Listen, if you can be satisfied with me saying I will stay the night at _____________, but my plan is to go out to a party. I am at a place that is totally safe, I’m with good, trustworthy people, and I will even call you when I make it back to ________________. If You can be satisfied with that, great! If not, and you want to know the exactly what is going on, I will be 100% honest with you, but you probably won’t like what I have to say, and you won’t understand.” Of course, my parents being who they are, wanted to know the whole story. I won’t lie, the next few days were probably some of the hardest I had to deal with in a long time. The things that were said just for masturbation looked kind to what was now being said to me. I was sad, angry, hurt. As much as they lashed at me, I lashed right back. Why could they not just love me for me? This is why Pat Calfia’s quote tugged at my heart-strings. To my parents, I engage in something wrong, diseased, disgusting- they can’t see or begin to understand the deep connection, the trust, the passion, the love that takes place between the Dominant and submissive. Because I don’t fit neatly into their idea of normal and right, it must be wrong rather than me just being different. For a brief time, I really did try defending and explaining, but they won’t ever get it. As much as my friends love and do their best to accept me- they don’t get it. In the end, they would still love for me to find my one true soul- mate, settle down with the white picket fence, have 2.5 kids, a dog, and leave all my kinks by the wayside. So, how can I expect my parents to get, “Yes, Mom and Dad, your daughter loves the feel of a whip kissing her flesh or being tied up to feel the thud of a flogger on her back” when my friends still question, “Really, you get pleasure from pain?- Girl, you are just some kind of freak.”

Instead of going round after round with my parents, I lied low for a week or so. I let the dust settle. Emotions were not nearly as heated. My parents still don’t like it, and periodically, my mom will get a jab in at me, but overall, they have accepted that they can’t change me (only I can do that- I love how they are now feeding my 12-step stuff like I have an addiction). I was informed that God does not like me inflicting pain upon myself or allowing others to do so (yet my mom has sat by my side while being pierced and tattooed- which is allowing someone to inflict pain upon me in my opinion.) But we seem to have reached a middle ground and understanding. I’m honest about where I am going. I even have a calendar on my door that spells out which group I’m with and the times and where. I am not going to go into details about what I am doing. I did express there is a demo coming up that my Dominant is teaching and it would mean a lot to me that I attend, and my mom asked what the demo was going to be. I told her as much as she could stand to hear, and we left it at that.

So what have I learned from all of this? First, honesty is always truly the best policy. Perhaps had I not been so fearful of my parents ten years ago, and was honest about who I was then, things would not seem so difficult now at 28. On the flip side, if you are in a situation where you don’t have to be as open with your family members as myself, then I think it is okay that some things are left in the bedroom or dungeon as it were. For me, this was the right decision, because now that I have turned the page and started writing my story as the person I’ve always been, but was just too afraid to be, there is no turning back; nor would I ever want to. This community is the only place I have ever been free to just be myself. I was welcomed with open arms and hearts, and that gave me the courage and strength to get over my self-imposed barriers. I walk away from this experience freer than I have ever been before in my life, and know that in ten years from now I will look back and see this as a minor speed bump on my path to self discovery and happiness.