I sit here this morning in this bit of a calm fog thinking back to how different this New Year’s day is from last.  I brought in 2010 curled up in a ball on my friend’s lap in tears having realized that I was not as happy as I let on to be with certain circumstances in my life.  It also meant I was going to have to end a relationship with someone that cared for me, and whom for I cared deeply.  The last thing I wanted to do was hurt that person, but I had been hurting and torn for so long over certain things- I needed to move on for myself.

I didn’t realize a year ago exactly how much I was really turning the page and starting a new chapter in my life.  It was almost as if it was a whole new section of the book was being written.  I was starting to venture down the path less traveled but had been calling to me for years.  I am grateful that I accepted that guidance from the one who became and  I now call Sir.  With that guidance, I found myself at SWLC, APEX, sitting and listening to J.G. Leathers, and so much more.  Yes, of course I went for fun and enjoyment, but I also went to learn and grow.  Now, where I may still may not be able to throw a whip or have the skill set to do many other things- I learned and grew in different ways.

One of the greatest lessons came about when I had to come out to my parents.  That was such a hard time and painful in my life, but fortunately- it was mostly short lived in the measure of a lifetime.  I have always been one to just take what people dish out to me.  I was basically raised to keep my mouth closed and “be above” the other person.  In essence, I never learned to stand up for myself.  So, for years and year, and from many different people, I took all sorts of hurtful things in silence- internalizing it all.   I learned in those moments when things got very heated with my folks- I had a voice.  I learned it was not only okay, but that I NEEDED to fight and speak up for myself because no one else can or will.  This is who I am and who I always will be and far too long I sacrificed that part of my being to satisfy others or to be a definition of “normal” that just isn’t normal for me.  I always had courage because otherwise I would not have been able to explore the things I do and to travel deeply within myself, but now I had found my voice and because of courage- I wasn’t afraid to use it.

There were other ups and downs.  Health for myself and my little one was definitely a biggie.  Especially, in September/ October when I was really sick, I found that it also played on my moods.  I wasn’t happy at times (and not just with being sick, but with other things in my life), and because I had found my voice I learned that when done tactfully, it is okay to let people know why you are unhappy and what your needs are rather than just feigning a perfect existence. 

On a whole, I found an amazing level of strength this year that I did not even know I was capable of having.  I pushed myself to meet certain weight loss goals, education goals even while things were completely topsy-turvy.  And yes, I do realize that a the initial motivator of those things came out of my D/s dynamic and I am thankful for those nudges.  I think this is probably a good metaphor of how it works.  We have talked about how to build a path, what it takes, and what tools I may need.  He then shows me a path that I should take.  It is unpaved, overgrown with plants and weeds.  Now, I can choose to not go down it because of the work ahead, or choose make it down there no matter what.  He basically leaves me at the head of the path and just waits.  I go and clear the path first.  After all of that hard work, I show Him my efforts.  Then, I pave the path.  Again, I show Him my efforts after my accomplishments rather than Him standing there telling me what to do at every step of the way.  And I know, when I am done and get to show Him my finished efforts and that I made it all the way down the path to my goal, I know He will be just as proud of it as I am.  There have been times where I have wanted to give up and call it quits because it just felt like it was all in vain.  It is strength and determination is what keeps me pressing on because this is where I know I am supposed to be and no illness, financial issue, parental discontent, etc will keep me from where I need to go.

I am grateful for the many lessons learned and gained in 2010.  I am even more grateful for my friends, new and old, that were there to share their support and love with me through it all.  I have been very blessed with the opportunity to host dinners with Girls’ Night Out which has led me to meet some very wonderful women in this community; and I truly always do look forward to our monthly get-togethers.  We all have so much to share and gain from each other in this world, and I am very glad that when I woke up a year ago today- it was with fresh eyes.  Looking back over 2010 and just how far I’ve come on my personal journey and grown as a person it is no wonder I woke today with such a happy calm- looking forward to the treasures, gifts, and lessons 2011 will behold.